Archive for June, 2009

Monkey butt to keep shorts over sweats buried

Led Zeppelin released its first album forty years ago in January of 1969.

I’m not sure the 15 year old wearing the Zeppelin tee-shirt in the taco shop quite appreciates the possibility that he was conceived because of the track “Dazed and Confused.”

Probably not.

He probably just thought it was a cool retro shirt — which then forced him to download Led Zeppelin IV (home of “Stairway to Heaven”) to substantiate the $40 price tag for that shirt at Urban Outfitters.

I think it’s kind of cool, actually. Cool to see bands that comprised the soundtrack of my teenage years influencing today’s acne demographic. 15 years from now when that kid is my boss, I’ll be trying to convince him how In Through the Out Door was Zeppelin’s best all around album.

I was no boogie woogie bugle boy

I was no boogie woogie bugle boy

The parallel would have been me wearing an Andrews Sisters tee-shirt when I was 15 in 1984. Instead, I was wearing a Led Zeppelin tee-shirt in 1984 trying to look cool against all the Van Halen fans wearing 1984 tee-shirts.

A couple days after spotting the taco eating Robert Plant fan, I saw another kid walking down the street in what can only be described as what you’d get if you threw a teen aged Asian into a blender with Joey Ramone and Howard Jones. By Howard Jones I mean this Howard Jones:

Everyone is to blame for this look

Everyone is to blame for this look

Not the guy that kind of looks like Sting now and plays your local amphitheater in the summer.

Under the shaved side faux hawk / mullet were the Square Pegs spectacles, denim jacket with hoody under it — all on top of a nasty pair of skinny black jeans that the Ramones helped make cool because Judy was in fact a Punk.

As I drove through trendy Walnut Creek past the Apple store, past Tiffany’s then of course past Urban Outfitters, I couldn’t help wonder if there is anything from my youth that hasn’t or won’t come back into vogue?

Two days of contemplation later, I give you the gym shorts over the sweat pants ensemble. Heidi Klum can’t make this look cool without going NC-17. I scoured my memory for all the things I saw in the 70s and 80s that haven’t resurfaced as a cool or fashionable thing to do or wear.

  • Baggy jeans. Check and double check.
  • Skinny jeans. Check. See above.
  • 70s rock. My 15 year old niece likes AC/DC. Check.
  • Bobby Brady haircut. See any playground in America. Check.
  • My all time favorite tube sock has even made a renaissance. Thanks Nick Van Exel.
  • Acid wash denim is thriving in certain parts of Americana. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Check.

It seems like everything has come back — except the gym shorts over sweat pants look. One would argue that the shift towards the show me your curves while you exercise movement would be the biggest nail in the coffin for shorts over sweats. While Dwight Howard is yoked and looks bad ass in a tank and women’s volleyball is made all the more interesting because of the attire, I rest my argument on a more practical matter called Monkey Butt.

Better than the skinny jeans. And no Monkey Butt.

Better than the skinny jeans. And no Monkey Butt.

It’s an uncomfortable condition caused by the sublime combination of friction, heat and sweat during exercise that is exacerbated by wearing layers and layers of clothing over ones nether region. The shorts over sweats wrap is simply too much cloth because it doesn’t preclude having to wear some kind of underwear or jock strap. So, until the Anti Monkey Butt product becomes the iPod for your bum, I’m willing to bet that we never see this Rocky Balboa meets Urkel at a track meet look again.

– Jose Mallabo

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Eddie Munster had high blood pressure

Four hours into watching the Discovery Channel, I snapped out of my daze and realize 2 things:

One. Discovery Channel has officially replaced the ABC Afterschool Special as my personal time sucker. Both can kill time like a coma, but don’t make you feel guilty because they’re educational. It’s like having a super-sized diet soda. It’s OK, it’s got Splenda in it. Four hours of TV? It’s OK, it’s educational.

Two. Why in the hell did it take so long to put Rogaine out to the mass over the counter market?

Mockingbird Elementary's hairiest kid

Mockingbird Elementary's hairiest kid

Clearly, virility and the sense of attractiveness that comes with it is critical to the existence of mankind. Attraction = Intercourse = Procreation. Right? (Note: equation is absent alcohol). See the Discovery Channel link here or call in sick, stay in your pajamas, mount your sofa and channel surf. The show will come on eventually – just like “You’ve Got Mail.” If you leave the TV on long enough, you’ll not only see women smelling sweat-soaked tee-shirts in jars on the Discovery Channel, you’ll also get to see the only known use for AOL as well.

It turns out that Minoxidil (the stuff inside Rogaine) has been around a long time as a treatment for high blood pressure. One of the side effects for taking this orally is disproportionate hair growth in unfortunate attraction hampering places like the forehead and the back of the hand.

Eddie Munster called.

Rogaine as we know it was introduced as a prescription only remedy at first, but is now available over the counter. For the price of a denim jacket at the Gap, you can get 3 bottles of the “keep me young and sexy foam” — which should that last 2-3 months.

After 3 months of use, I can’t tell if my Rogaine is working or not. But I do know, I was asked for my ID when buying beer at a baseball game just a week shy of my 40th birthday. Tom Markowski was there. He’ll confirm the story.

– Jose Mallabo

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Two things I learned in the last 24 hours

1. There are people who actively manage the weight of their dogs, not for health reasons, but so that they’d be able to carry them on board an airplane without having to check them. Apparently the cutoff weight for some airlines is 25 lbs. Having looked into putting my dog in the underbelly of a jet years ago, I can see why doing that is less than savory for a pet owner. But there are dozens of breeds that are naturally under 25 lbs. So to you South Beach shoving dog owners get the Mini Bulldog Terrier instead of putting that cute West Highland Terrier on fen-phen.

Dogs on a plane.

We're big, but we can see the movie screen.

And…

2. The median household income for Manhattan couples with toddlers is $289,000 a year. That’s 89% higher than couples with toddlers in San Francisco — and a shit ton more than the median household income in the U.S. of about $50,000 a year. I read that in a New York Magazine story about how these parents are now facing challenges of getting their 5 year olds into overcrowded public schools in New York. From the sound of the article, Bloomberg’s team missed the boat on the mini-baby boom post 9/11. But, with that kind of cha-ching can’t a dozen of these couples pool their loose change and hire a private teacher on their own? Perhaps someone out of Stephen Hawking’s bloodline? Hell, I got nothing but time – hire me and I’ll teach them how to potty train a 24 lb. dog and what exactly shit ton means.

– Jose Mallabo

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