Archive for November, 2009

How to lick H1N1

I can quip about it now.  But when it was happening a smile and a blog post was the last thing on my mind.

It was Friday morning and the night before I had eaten an overstuffed, fatty carnitas burrito (for those east of the Mississippi and north of Maryland, that’s pork) late at night and fell asleep at my computer.  I know.  It’s a very healthy approach to heart disease — which is just shy of smoking a couple of Marlboro reds while eating pork rinds in bed.  So the grumbling and fever I woke up with were easily attributed to that burrito.

Off to work I go. First meeting: CEO, CFO and my boss are in there along with a consultant that I hired.  That’s a big ticket meeting to be in when you’re starting to feel the symptoms of H1N1.  (For more info: check out the CDC site.)

Fast forward to the part where I’m in the doctor’s office after a two hour drive:  The receptionist and nurses are insanely friendly, smiling and seemingly glad to take my co-pay and give them something better to do than complain about the shitty grub they got from Taco Bell.  Everybody, show some spirit, here comes a sick guy!

Sprawled out on the examination table trying to get comfortable, all I could think of was having those stirrups might actually relieve the pressure in my back caused by my legs hanging off the edge.  But that would risk the wrong examination.  Me likey the sore back!

15 minutes into the examination my doctor confirms it’s 99.8% likely it’s H1N1.  But he’ll swab my nose and send the tests to the lab.  Those tests look real easy on the TV news.  But imagine taking a very thin pen and pushing it through your nose up into your sinuses then making a figure 8 with it. Twice.  The deepest nose pick outside of an Our Gang episode.

He leaves the room.  Comes back.  Says he’s going to write me a prescription for Tamiflu.   He says, “you’re all set, come on out.”  Two beats.  Then “on second thought, just hang in there for a minute.”  That seals it.  No lab tests needed.  They all know it’s 100% that I have H1N1.

As I leave the office it’s like I’ve become Moses.  People are parting in front of me like had a loaded shotgun and a frothing Pit Bull sitting on my shoulder.  It’s both weird and kind of nice not to have to go through all the fake good byes.  So I grabbed the prescription, pushed the door into the lobby open with my elbow (ensuring they all saw that) then stroll to the main exit/entrance, lick the door knob and leave.

Take that you over friendly co-pay takers.

– Jose Mallabo

, , , , , ,

No Comments

Bad Ass Pinoy.

This little Pinoy will kick your ass.  Manny Pacquiao. Go ahead, call him “Asian” or “Chinese” then duck.


, , ,