Eddie Munster had high blood pressure

Four hours into watching the Discovery Channel, I snapped out of my daze and realize 2 things:

One. Discovery Channel has officially replaced the ABC Afterschool Special as my personal time sucker. Both can kill time like a coma, but don’t make you feel guilty because they’re educational. It’s like having a super-sized diet soda. It’s OK, it’s got Splenda in it. Four hours of TV? It’s OK, it’s educational.

Two. Why in the hell did it take so long to put Rogaine out to the mass over the counter market?

Mockingbird Elementary's hairiest kid

Mockingbird Elementary's hairiest kid

Clearly, virility and the sense of attractiveness that comes with it is critical to the existence of mankind. Attraction = Intercourse = Procreation. Right? (Note: equation is absent alcohol). See the Discovery Channel link here or call in sick, stay in your pajamas, mount your sofa and channel surf. The show will come on eventually – just like “You’ve Got Mail.” If you leave the TV on long enough, you’ll not only see women smelling sweat-soaked tee-shirts in jars on the Discovery Channel, you’ll also get to see the only known use for AOL as well.

It turns out that Minoxidil (the stuff inside Rogaine) has been around a long time as a treatment for high blood pressure. One of the side effects for taking this orally is disproportionate hair growth in unfortunate attraction hampering places like the forehead and the back of the hand.

Eddie Munster called.

Rogaine as we know it was introduced as a prescription only remedy at first, but is now available over the counter. For the price of a denim jacket at the Gap, you can get 3 bottles of the “keep me young and sexy foam” — which should that last 2-3 months.

After 3 months of use, I can’t tell if my Rogaine is working or not. But I do know, I was asked for my ID when buying beer at a baseball game just a week shy of my 40th birthday. Tom Markowski was there. He’ll confirm the story.

– Jose Mallabo

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